Stark Raving Mad
by Laughing.Thalia
Summary: Loki is back and this time he's got a full proof plan. Get inside Tony's head...literally. Find out all of his secrets and then use them against him not just that but use them to break him, use them to drive him to the brink of insanity, to drive him Stark raving mad. "I break Iron Man I break the Avengers and Earth will be left defenceless against me!" Contains Attempted Suicide
1. Black Smoke and Tony Chokes

"LOKI!" Tony shouted in the robotic Iron man voice "Stop this right now, we beat you once with an entire army, we can beat you again alone."

Loki looked at the Avengers in battle positions ready to fight then he glanced at the brunette reporter and her camera man filming the whole thing, Steve/Captain America caught his gaze and moved in front of them with his shield sending a silent message. Loki smirked "Well you may have beat me when I worked with those imbeciles but now I have a plan and no ones breathing down my neck forcing me to speed up the process."

Natasha questioned "and what would be the brilliant plan that could take down the Avengers?"

Loki smirked evilly and tapped his noise thrice "Ah but that would be telling I'd much rather let you figure it out, I mean Natasha isn't reading people your specialty? Well read me."

Loki again looked at the Reporter again and Tony yelled at him "Hey your fights with us, she's just here to show The Avengers' awesomeness to the world, so how about you step into these especially made handcuffs and save yourself the embarrassment of losing twice."

Loki smiled "Well I guess I could tell you what I hope my plan will achieve. My plan is to break Tony Stark, the Iron Man and in doing so I will break the Avengers," He grinned menacingly and looked right at the camera "And when I break the Avengers the World will be defenceless, you will fall to your knees and beg me for mercy, I will rule Midgard and you will bow before me!"

The Avengers stared at him in silence and then Tony started laughing "Oh yeah It's going to be _so _easy to break me, it's not like I survived torture in Afghanistan or flew into an unknown black hole-y thing and almost died multiple time, but you know what I'm sure it will be super easy. Listen Loki firstly you can't break me, secondly the Avengers are professionals they aren't going to let me stop them from stopping you so that's a cute plan Reindeer Games but no."

Thor warned "Tony do not underestimate my brother I have no doubt we can beat him, but if he puts his mind to it he could crush you like a fly."

Natasha narrowed her eyes "no Thor he said he wants to 'break' Tony and us he means mentally not physically, he plans to drive Tony insane."

Clint snorted "Not on my watch he won't."

Bruce said "You know Tony being crazy probably wouldn't make that much of a difference, I'm one of the few people who can see what he gets up to in his lab and let me tell you he is the very definition of Stark Raving Mad."

Steve rolled his eyes "You remember I'm a soldier and the reason none of us got along in the first place was because I was always comparing them to soldiers, we lose soldiers on the daily... not that we'll lose you Stark."

Tony hadn't even looked at them, his eyes trained on loki "And tell me how do you plan on driving me insane, what do you plan on doing?"

"THIS!" Loki yelled and suddenly he was black and forest green smoke.

He flew straight into Tony's mask and there was a muffled yelp as Tony struggled to get out, suddenly The suit flashed and said in a monotone voice "Emergency protocol Alpha red" and Tony Stark came tumbling out of his suit. He stumbled but didn't fall he looked at the other Avenger who looked concerned and said "I'm fi-AAH WHAT!" He was cut off by the dark Loki smoke rushing into his mouth, his veins all glowed Black for a second and Tony fell to his knees, cluthing his throat as if unable to breath.

"TONY!" Everyone yelled

Tony got up slowly, he was shaking noticeably and was deathly pale " What just... what just happened?" he was stunned and in shock

Clint replied "You just ate Loki."

Steve snorted "Tony didn't eat Loki."

Thor bellowed in his thundering voice (NO PUN INTENDED) "Indeed, Loki used a technique lost to the Asgardians as we... they thought that the Mortals were not worthy, blah, blah, blah, anyway if a god is in peril danger or in hiding, they can reside inside a mortal body, they can remain undetected for years."

Natasha interrupted "Seeing as that was just broadcasted across the whole world that's not his motive."

"Right," Thor continued "Although Tony cannot be controlled directly he can influence his thoughts and see every single thing that has ever happened to him, any pain Tony feels Loki will feel also, I was never taught how to reverse this but it should be in the Asgardian library at home."

Tony looked at Thor "Wait! Loki my- our number one enemy, arch nemesis, is reading my mind and know all my secrets AND ALL THE STUFF I KNOW ABOUT S.H.I.E.L.D.! And on top of that he can INFLUENCE MY DISCICIONS AND CLOUD MY JUDGEMENT! This is not cool... and Fury's going to kill me even if this isn't my fault."

Bruce sighed "Thor if you leave now how long will it be until you can come back?"

Thor beamed "You are in Luck my fellow Avenger, I have been storing the energy for two travels so I can go there and back no problem the only thing is finding the right books, it's a large library."

Tony looked relieved "good go! Cure me!"

Thor nodded and shouted at the sky "MJÖLNIR PORTAL!" Then he disappeared in a flash of lightning and a rumble of thunder.  
Suddenly Natasha and Clint had Tony pinned to the ground Tony yelped "WHAT NOW!" Clint looked bashful "Sorry but while Loki is in your head you're a liability."  
Tony blanched "You're kidding right. YOU'RE FREAKING KIDDING ME!" Natasha looked grim "'fraid not Tony." Tony sighed and shook his head but he didn't say anything more on the matter 


	2. Helicarriers and Paparazzi

**I forgot to do the disclaimer before but even though I presume you already knew this I don't own the Avengers, Property of Marvel.**

"So let me get this right," Fury was seething "Stark is being controlled by the Earth's number one enemy!"

"Hey Fury I know your mad but don't take it out on me I really haven't done anything this time." Requested Tony

Fury looked at Natasha hoping for some insight "Any immediate side affects?"

Natasha was about to say no when Tony interrupted "Per-lease Loki is much too smart to have-" he cut himself off by clamping his hand over his mouth "I didn't say that. I mean I did, but that wasn't me."

Nick sighed "so that's the side affect for sure praising Loki against his will. Maybe we should get you off the helicarrier before you decide to anger Bruce."

They all laughed. Tony cringed "you know what, there is something you can be mad at me for, and I have no idea why I'm saying this seeing as every fibre in my body is telling me not to, but I hacked SHIELD database and know most of your secrets so now Loki knows them too."

Fury's eye twitched "You hacked SHIELD. And now Loki knows everything. STARK!" he looked like he wanted to kill Tony

Tony laughed "You think I am scared of you just because you're the director of SHIELD! Well guess what!" then his face went blank "I totally am. What am I saying? Man this is annoying!"

They all exchanged looks Steve asked "Tony are you ok?"

Tony's anger flared suddenly "Why would you care Rogers!" they all looked taken aback then tony looked bashful "Sorry, childhood issues."

Steve looked confused "Against me? What could I have done I was frozen?"

Tony's mouth twitched like he and Loki were fighting for control of his mouth, they deemed that Tony won because he remained silent glaring at himself Clint leaned across to Natasha and whispered "This is so weird."

The Spy whispered back "For once I agree with you." Then she said to the rest "I propose that we put Stark on hou-Tower arrest, we can keep an eye on him while Thor finds the antidote."

Fury looked around "all in favour?" Natasha, Clint and Steve raised their hands "All oppose?" Bruce and Tony raised their hands "I don't even know why I asked this isn't a democracy. Anyways motion carried Stark's on house arrest."

LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK LINE BREAK

Tony was on the ground Natasha, Clint and Steve were acting as body guards as they were bombarded with questions from the paparazzi accompanied with flashing cameras.

"Tony! Is Loki controlling your actions or persuading you in any way?"

"Does this put us in danger of being attacked by Iron Man?"

"Does Loki intend to take over the world again?"

"How did Loki get out of jail?"

"What did SHIELD and the other Avengers have to say about this?"

"How long will Thor take to get an antidote?"

The questions went on Tony was biting his lip so hard it started bleeding at one point he said "You know what-" before stopping himself again

"Tony! What were you going to say?" another faceless reporter yelled

Clint stepped forward "Tony is not being controlled by Loki, the only part of him that has been compromised is his mouth, he keeps saying stuff and then cutting himself off so we are now his public speakers. We have no idea what Loki is planning. And we will have to ask Thor how Loki escaped. SHIELD has placed Stark on house arrest so as not to compromise anything but we don't believe he is a danger to anyone."

During this speech Tony's hand had moved involuntarily towards his phone he was about to press the Iron man button when he realised what he was doing he yelped and everyone turned to him he held out his phone and said slightly panicked "Clint take this."

"What?" Clint asked confused

"JUST FREAKING TAKE IT!" he yelled having a full on panic attack Clint grabbed the phone looking extremely confused

"Tony what just happened?" Another reporter

Tony answered without hesitation "It seems Loki's divine god-like powers have-Dammit I didn't mean to say that! What I meant to say is that idiot Loki just controlled my hand and being a Stark my phone is never just a phone. I have this special Iron man app thing."

A reporter came forward "Stark are you saying that you tried to use you Iron man suit against us?"

Tony looked like he was trying not to but spoke "Actually Loki tried to use the Iron man suit against you." The crowd gasped and some even backed away Tony cursed himself "God Dammit! Fury is going to kill me."

**AN: This chapter is shorter than the first one but It's better to be short and frequently updated than long and barely even updated right!**


	3. How Does it Feel to Have Loki Inside You

**A/N: I recently re-watched the events of Iron man 3 and this story is directly (well not **_**directly**_**) after the Avengers movies. NO IRON MAN 3! Iron Man 3 doesn't exist!**

Being Tony Stark he couldn't handle house arrest without at least some publicity time so the Daily Bugle managed to get their top Reporter Mary Jane Watson (something about being used to sarcastic super heroes) and her camera man Peter Parker to get an exclusive interview at the Tower. Of course Steve, Clint and Natasha were close by watching him carefully.

"So Mr Stark can you explain what happened?" asked Ms Watson **(I keep writing Lois Lane and then correcting it. She will always be **_**THE**_** news reporter.) **

Tony flashed a smile at the camera before answering "Well Ms Watson my theory is that Loki turned himself into pure though just like the Greek Goddess Athena did in the myths and projected himself into my head via smoke." He cringed and added involuntarily "Of course I shouldn't be comparing the great race of asgardians to those weak Olympians." He blinked "Did I just say that?"

"uuuh, yes. Yes you did. Loki I assume?"

"Yeah, right. Sorry." Said Tony slightly bashful, only slightly.

"Mr Stark how does it feel to have Loki inside you?"

At that Clint snorted from the corner while Natasha glared at him and Steve whispered loudly "Get your head out of the gutter." **(I got this idea from ****Post U Later**** thank you for reviewing)**

Tony ignored them and said "well it's... unsettling. Especially as his master plan is to drive me insane and well that might not be too difficult if all the studies on the brain and human psychology are correct."

"Could you elaborate?"

"Well I was kidnapped and tortured for 3 months lots of stuff happened in that time, I may be Iron man but I'm still technically a civilian I wasn't prepared for that. And then there's the whole flying a nuke into a wormhole and falling back to the ground thing."

"I can see why that would be unsettling, having someone know your thoughts. How in control is Loki?"

"Well usually it's fine but sometimes he takes over my subconscious and I say some random shit about Norse gods or how amazing Loki is, you can tell when Loki's in command though 'cause I go all stiff. But don't worry the other Avengers have a 24/7 watch on me, in fact Steve Natasha and Clint are standing over in the corner right now." He pointed to the three Agents **(Steve is an Agent isn't he?) **Clint with his bow; Steve with his shield and Natasha with her guns. They waved at the camera.

Mary Jane turned to the other three Avengers and asked "Sp has Mr Stark been more of a handful than usual?"

Natasha answered "Well he's been easier to laugh at because of all the random things he blurts out."

Clint added "He is more or less the same except he admitted he was scared of Fury, he's never gonna live that down."

Tony gripped his chest and made a face Natasha saw this and said "Tony are you in pain?"

"I don't know."

JARVIS said from the ceiling "Sir your scans indicate that you are in pain."

While Steve asked "How can you not know if you're in pain?"

JARVIS said "your heart rate has elevated and with the arc reactor it is sure to cause pain."

"Well I can feel my heart rate elevating but I'm not in pain, at least my chest doesn't hurt, it's actually my head."

"My scans say your head is fine Sir." He paused "It is possible that under the circumstances the pain is psychological."

Steve exclaimed "You mean Loki's putting his plan into action!?"

As if to answer his question Tony collapsed on the floor holding his hands over his ears and curled up in a ball "Tony!" everyone in the room yelled

Natasha pulled out her communicator "Bruce, Thor Tony just collapsed on the floor Bruce get in here Thor hurry up we need that cure." Then she alerted Fury but told him they would handle it. She crouched next to Tony and said softly "Tony, Tony can you hear me?"

Tony's eyes were screwed shut and his hands were over his ears he was mumbling something but he didn't show any signs of registering Natasha they all looked at each other unsure what to do when Clint suggested "We could call Pepper, she'd know how to deal with Tony."

Bruce walked in and countered "But Pepper's never had to deal with _that_." He gesture to the crumpled bundle of sadness that was Tony

Bruce knelt next to Tony and checked his pulse "elevated pulse, brain pains for no reason, what to do."

"Come on you're a doctor do doctor stuff!" exclaimed Steve

"I'm not that kind of doctor!" Bruce repeated for the 100th time since they had met "But I think I have a short term solution, no one scream." He took a deep breath and then yelled really loudly in Tony's ear.

Tony leapt up "whaaaaaa..." he looked around "what the hell happened?"

"We're not entirely sure."

JARVIS said "I ran the symptoms and it appears you had a panic attack probably caused by Loki seeing as there was no obvious trigger. Sir could you please describe what you saw and heard."

"I was in... space, that wormhole and the nuke was on my back but instead of blacking out and falling back to Earth I was awake and the hole closed before I could reach it, I was stuck in space with everyone thinking I was dead. And then it shifted I was back in Afghanistan and they were water boarding me again and I couldn't breathe and every single criticizing voice and insult started talking at the same time and it got really loud in my own head hence why I was covering my ears and then I heard the Hulk yell and I woke up."

Bruce said "The Hulk didn't yell, it was just regular old Bruce. It's a short term solution."

"Well find a long term solution because I don't ever want that to happen again!"

**A/N: Read and Review! Guys I'm planning some major meltdown in the next chapter so look out for it! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed and favourited!**


	4. Meanwhile in Asgard

**A/N: who knew Hiemdell was actually spelt Heimdallr? I sure didn't till I searched it. By ODIN'S BEARD! Thor's real mother in the original Marvel comics was Gaea aka Jord that means like none of them are even Frigga's! WOW! Marvel! My life is lie!**

Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker left soon after that so that Tony could recover fully...also Natasha kicked them out. Of course the Daily Bugle ran the story with no editing so the whole world saw Tony Sark the man of Iron, the former Merchant of Death have a panic attack. Of course everyone knew it was because of Loki so no one though any less of Tony if anything they started to respect the billionaire playboy because he had never shown any signs of a psychological illness even after everything that's happened to him.

Tony sighed for the 5th time since they had left and groaned "My head aches like crazy someone get me some aspirin or something!"

Bruce shook his head "Aspirin can cause depression," (It actually doesn't but oh well!) "I don't want anything in your system while Loki's in there that means no alcohol either Tony."

"What! Not even a sip of whiskey?" Tony pouted

Bruce shook his head again and Tony huffed

**LINE BREAK! MEANWHILE ON ASGARD! LINE BREAK!**

**(This actually makes no sense seeing as the Bifröst is broken but they never explained how Thor got to Midgard in the Avengers. I think they used Dark Matter but I read that in another fan fiction so it could be fan-fictional. Because Thor is already fiction so this is like double fiction.)**

Thor flew through the Bifröst and landed on one knee with Milnor planted firmly on the ground, his cape was flowing behind him and he was looking down. It was times like these when people saw just how godly Thor was however in this instance no one but Heimdallr saw him. Heimdallr greeted Thor respectfully with a bow of his head and a "My prince."

"Heimdallr." Thor nodded back as he got up from his kneeling position. He walked a few steps before swinging his hammer and flying over the unstable rainbow bridge. He flew straight to that castle and walked briskly taking long strides to his father's throne room. When he reached it he knelt and said "Father Loki has struck again on Midgard."

The All-Father looked shocked and outraged "That is impossible! Loki is still in his cell!"

"Father I tell you I saw him with my own eyes. He has possessed My SHIELD Brother, Son of Stark also Known as the Man of Iron."

"A mortal made of Iron?"

"The mortals call him Ironman because he where's a metal armour that has the ability to fly and shoot blue energy. I know from experience that they hurt like Valhalla!"

"You may bring the great sorcerer Merlin and four guards to Loki's cell if it is an allusion you have my whole army backing you if not then you can have Lady Sif and the Warriors Three."

"Father all I need is a way to undo what Loki has done to friend Stark. I need access to the library and some help searching it."

"You have access to the library now go check on Loki."

Frigga remained silent but she was worried, if Loki really had escaped he could be executed Thor gave her a look as he passed that had a look of determination on it, it told her that he'd do everything he could for Loki but his priorities were the Midgardians. Frigga sighed but nodded thanking Thor for at least trying.

As Thor left the room four warriors flanked behind him and made their way to Merlin's study, he knocked on the door and waited for Merlin to open it "Merlin I request your help."

An old man with a staff and a long midnight blue cloak cam to the door he had a long beard and wrinkles but not a single grey hair "aah young prince how may I assist you?"

"I fear Loki has escaped and used magic to trick us into thinking he was still here. I saw Loki on Midgard and he possessed someone using a long lost technique, I need your help to undo Loki's doing and put him back in his cell."

"Well then let's go." He was already halfway down the corridor having transported there. Thor rolled his eyes and jogged after him followed by the soldiers

When they got to the dungeons they walked straight to Loki's cell they saw him sitting cross legged in the centre of the room his books were piled neatly on his bed and his eyes were closed as if meditating and they watched as Merlin closed his eyes and held his hands up to the cell "This is the real Loki."

Thor recoiled "WHAT!"

"However magic is seaping out of his cell. It is an allusion spell. You say he possessed your mortal friend?"

"Yes The Man of Iron."

"There is no spell in Asgard that can undo this only he can get Loki out of his head because Loki technically is not in his head. Loki's thoughts his spirit even is in The Man of Iron." He opened his eyes and ran his hand through his beard deep in thought, "The information is in this book." He snapped his fingers and a large aging book titled _Allusion Spells and Mind Games _appeared in his hands he handed it to Thor

Thor rolled his eyes "Of course Loki would read a book with this title."

"Loki has read every book in the library." Merlin deadpanned

"Oh."

"Give this to the Midgardians and if he is smart as you make him to be he will understand and succeed of expelling Loki's spirit if not he is stuck with him, there is nothing more I can do."

"Thank you Merlin." He turned to the four guards "Inform my father of the news and tell him I will be heading back to Midgard immediately and to inform me when we have enough Dark Matter to return here." He then swung his hammer round and flew out of the castle back to Heimdallr clutching the book to his chest

**A/N: So Major Tony Stark Meltdown is in the next chapter**


	5. Black is The Absence of Colour

**A/N:**_**Italics**_** are what Tony can see and think BTW. Also when Natashalie gets judo flipped Tony is seeing them as different people so it's like he sees Black Widow as Raza and Clint as Yinsen. jUst to clear things up.**

The Avengers walked into the living room and were pleased to find Thor sitting on the sofa staring intently at an old book. Thor hadn't noticed them until Steve greeted him "Thor! You're back!"

Thor looked up abruptly and smiled tensely "Yes, Captain of America. But I fear there is no spell in any known realm that can undo my brother's magic."

Tony sighed depleted "Ok so tell me the details."

Thor started "The sorcerer Merlin-"

"MERLIN!" Tony exclaimed "Isn't he the wizard who uses that magic sword and knows King Arthur?"

Thor snorted "You mortals make up the silliest things. Merlin is the head sorcerer, he says that Loki is projecting himself into Tony's head. His physical body is still in his Asgardian cell but his consciousness is inside Son of Stark."

Natasha frowned "So how do we get him out?"

Thor was about to explain what he had just read in the book when his gaze wondered to Tony, he pointed and asked "Is he alright?"

The other Avengers turned to Tony to see him frozen, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open slightly. Natasha asked softly "Tony?" He didn't answer "Tony can you hear me?"

_The room had turned into a cave. And not just any cave, but _the_ cave. The cave that had made him Iron Man. The cave that had made him the Tony Stark he was today. He loved that cave for enlightening him but he hated it even more, he hated it with the passion of a thousand burning flames._

Tony started mumbling to himself and back away whispering "Oh God. Not happening. Not again."

"Tony?" Natasha took a tentative step forward to close the gap Tony was making and reached out, she place and hand on his shoulder and was completely taken aback when he panicked and grabbed her wrist and then proceeded to judo flip her.

"_Tony?" He heard someone call him he looked towards the voice and saw Raza glaring down at him menacingly, Raza reached out slowly. Oh God what was he going to do? Water board him? He couldn't let that happen not again. As Raza's hand landed on his shoulder Tony flipped out and judo flipped the terrorist. And then he ran._

_Tony made a break for it but he didn't appear to be seeing the tower as it was because he kept stumbling into objects and bashing into walls. He started to feel along the walls. What he was seeing didn't match up to what he was feeling, he would see miles of desert stretched out before him, only to hit a wall he really couldn't see. He would see the walls of the cave only walk right through them without a problem. What was going on? He heard worried shouts from behind him "Tony!" "Stark" "Man of Iron" They were calling him. Wait, who was calling him? Only Thor called him Man of Iron. The Avengers were there, but where? He couldn't see them._

_He spun around to be face to face with four of his captors and Yinsen. "Yinsen?" Tony choked out. _

"Who?" Clint replied

_Yinsen was dead though, he had died Tony had watched. And Tony was no longer in Afghanistan he was back in New York with the Avengers fighting crime, and Loki. Loki was in his head messing with him. None of this was real but he couldn't help but panic as his captors and a ghost of someone he had once known approached him. _

Tony pressed his back up against the wall and held his breath _It's fake. I'm safe. _But he couldn't stop the terrified whimper that escaped his throat as he slid to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest, screwing his eyes shut and rocking slightly. He felt arms around him, female arms and someone whispered in his ear soothingly "It's ok Tony, you're ok you're safe."

Tony just nodded but kept his eyes firmly shut, now that all he could see was darkness the panic was fading. The darkness was empty and unforgiving. What was it they say about the colour black? _Black was the absence of colour, it demands nothing and expects nothing in return. _He liked that quote; people always expected stuff from him because he was rich. But blackness, darkness, didn't want anything from him it was just simply there.

He took a few deep breaths and calmed himself but he kept his eyes clamped shut. And realised that it was indeed Natasha Romanoff, _the_ Black Widow, hugging him as if he were a child. "It's okay Nat, I'm fine now." His voice sounded weak even to him but there was nothing he could do about that.

She loosened her grip on him and shuffled back but she was still holding him "Tony open your eyes."

Tony laughed nervously "I'd really rather not. It seems Loki's main weapon is using visual allusions to trigger some very deep seeded PTSD I didn't even know I had."

Steve snorted, he still hadn't stopped jumping to the conclusion with Tony he didn't understand that Stark wasn't black and white, he was every shade of grey, heck he was every shade of cream too. "What does Stark have to be Post Traumatic about? The wormhole?"

Tony's head snapped up "How about the three months I spent as a prisoner in Afghanistan!"

Steve's face fell "Tony I-"

"-didn't know? Well don't judge me!" He pointed aggressively to his arc reactor "Where do you think I got this huge hole in my chest from?"

Steve shuffled awkwardly on his feet "Well I assumed that... I guess I thought you put it there. I mean you are a bit eccentric..." He trailed off nervously

"This is here to keep the bit of shrapnel in my body clawing its way into my heart and killing me." He turned towards Natasha "I thought that was on my file?"

"It's classified. Only I'm allowed to view them." Natasha deadpanned

Bruce decided to step in while everyone was distracted from the fight that was brewing "So Thor was just about to explain to us how to rid ourselves of Loki!"

Thor shifted awkwardly and his shoulders slumped "I am not sure if even the man of Iron can do it."

Tony smirked now that he was feeling better "Challenge accepted."

Clint was getting impatient "Just explain, I'm sure Stark can manage."

"This book says that only Tony can rid himself of Loki. It's a battle of the brains, mind over matter. You will go inside your own subconscious deep within yourself and find Loki, then you have to get him out once he's out of your head he will be whisked back to his cell where Merlin will seal it completely."

Tony frowned "So I have to... meditate?" Everyone looked at Bruce

"Guys I don't meditate, I just have really affective breathing exercises."

Thor looked agitated "But you are a doctor!"

Bruce snapped "I'm not that kind of doctor! I would like to point out that Tony has eight doctorates, he's more of a doctor then me!"

Clint asked absent mindedly "You have eight?" before snapping back to the situation "You know what doesn't matter just get inside your head and fix this."

"You don't think I want to!" he stood up shakily and slowly opened one eye to test he found he could see the Avengers clearly and opened them both properly "Thor does it say how to get into my own mind?"

"You must me completely at peace, with no baggage tying you down to the physical world. I believe it means emotional baggage."

"Emotional baggage?" Tony repeated

Natasha crossed her arms "anything to say tony, you know to get rid of any emotional baggage about us you may be carrying?"

Tony's lips tightened and he sighed "Well Nat despite what you may think I don't actually hate you, I just... I guess I have trust issues, it's not personal it's with everyone, except Pepper and Rhodey."

Natasha raised an eyebrow in a knowing way "Anything else Stark?" She was asking but it was clear she knew there was more

"uuuum... I uuum... I mean... I guess... well..." for once Tony was at a loss for words

Clint sighed and groaned "Spit it out already!"

Tony looked down and revealed "I really hate Steve."

"WHAT!" four out of six yelled in unison. The two who didn't yell being Tony and Natasha.

Steve was offended and confused "You hate me?"

"Not because of anything you did Capsicle it's just..."

As Tony trailed off Clint whispered loudly enough so he could hear "Peace of mind let go of the baggage."

Stark sent a glare in Clint's direction "It's just some stuff my father said."

**A/N: Okay so the Loki VS Stark epic showdown is coming whether it will be next chapter or the one after that is undecided to stay tuned! **

**Wow I sound like a TV show right now. This is on Disney channel and you're watching Stark Raving Mad, keep a look out for codes during episodes and make sure you check out Disney Superbia and enter in those codes for cool prizes!**

***sigh* I need professional help.**


	6. Peace of Mind

**A/N: And as usual I was listening to Fall Out Boy while writing. I need a Beta for a story I'm writing it's basically Tony gets kidnapped but then busts out into fight mode and takes down like 6 thugs. The he grabs the master mind of the operation and starts water boarding him because that's what they were going to do to him and he gets a little crazed but then SHIELD bursts in and stops him from killing the guy. So I need someone who can beta fight scenes (because I kinda bad at them) and dark Tony. Just PM me if u want to Beta it.**

"What could Howard have said that made you hate me? I thought Howard liked me!" Steve asked

Tony tensed at Howard's name and shuffled awkwardly on his feet not looking at anyone "It's a long story, a story I'd rather not share."

Steve still pushed "But Stark-"

Tony suddenly lashed out "Just drop it Steve!" then he went back to normal Tony Stark. Cool and confident, he pulled out some expensive, tinted sunglasses out of seemingly nowhere and placed them sophisticatedly over his eyes. He took a deep breath "Let's just work on getting me into my own head."

Clint rolled his eyes "In case you've forgotten Stark, to get into your head you need to have a peace of mind."

"My mind is very peaceful thank you very much." Tony sniffed stubborn as ever

Natasha raised an eyebrow in disbelief "Stark, from my time knowing you I've figured out that 90% of the time when you feel uncomfortable or you want to hide behind an extra mask because your usual one is cracking you just pop on a pair of blacked out glasses."

Tony stared at her and she stared back smiling triumphantly. Tony opened his mouth to protest then closed it and took his glasses off. "What about the other 10%?"

"You'll be so mean to the person you're talking to, you make them cry."

Tony did a double take "I have never done that!" there was a pause "This year."

"Hence why it's only 10%." Black Widow had won this round and they all knew it

Bruce changed the subject "Guys let's focus on the crisis, Loki's inside Tony-"

Clint snorted immaturely into his glass of water but was glared at and tried to cover it with a cough.

"-and we have to get him out."

Clint added "So just tell us whatever it is Howard did or said so we can move on already!"

Tony sat down heavily and mumbled something incoherently. The others could see this was hard for him and didn't press him but they all looked impatient. Tony sighed realising that none of them had heard him and said a little louder, just barely over a whisper "He used to abuse me."

Clint did a spit-take and started choking on his water, while Bruce exploded "WHAT!" his eyes flashed green

Steve's eyes popped "Noooooo! Howard would never- I mean he was a good man! He wouldn't!"

"Well he did Captain so accept it." Tony wasn't looking at any of them, he didn't want to seem weak and he didn't want their pity, the pity that they would obviously give him.

Natasha looked the most shocked "What? No! You don't have the signs! I read you like a book several times over and you do not have any signs of abuse!"

"Yeah well, I have more masks then you know about."

Clint looked shocked "What about your mother?"

Tony snorted "Maria? Per-lease she was an even worse drunk then me! She went completely off the D Bend."

Steve asked "What about Peggy?"

Tony smiled slightly "Aunt Peggy was the best. But when she started shouting at Howard for... you know he cut her out. She would sometimes climb up the window and sneak into my room but security was tight."

"Does Pepper and Rhodey know about this?" asked Natasha

"_No one_ knows about this." Tony said bitterly "No one ever thought that the great Howard Stark, pioneer of the future could be such an absolute asshole. I mean he was friends with Captain America he _must_ be good. He couldn't possibly be capable of abusing he only child."

Natasha frowned "You're saying it as if you're repeating it from someone else."

"That's what the idiot police guy told me when I finally decided to tell the authorities." Replied Tony

Clint started "SHIELD doesn't-"

"My dad paid everyone off and all evidence was deleted." Tony answered the unasked question flatly "So am I at peace now?"

Thor winced "I do not think so Man of Iron."

Tony sighed "of course it isn't. So what else do you want to know?"

Steve was first "What happened to Howard? I mean... he changed."

"The war changed him, the Howard Stark I knew was very different to the one you knew. He became obsessed with finding you and was corrupted by his company. He didn't care about me, he didn't even care about mum." Tony's eyes grew dark as he talked about his father "He only cared about himself and his public image. Besides from Maria's drunken tendencies we were the _perfect_ family."

Bruce hesitated before asking "Why did Howard hit you?"

Tony looked up from the patch of floor he had been staring at for the duration of this convocation and he looked into Bruce's eyes "I've been asking myself that question for the past 37 years." **(IDK how old he is so I'll just say he's 37) **"Maybe he just hated me; maybe he thought I was a disappointment; maybe he was just so caught up by the fact that I wasn't Steve Rogers. Who knows what goes on in the mind of a genius. I don't even know what goes on in my _own_ mind half the time!"

Steve questioned again "What do you mean 'the fact that you're not Steve Rogers'?"

Tony shifted "well most parents would be happy to have a super smart child prodigy as a kid and you'd think Howard of all people would want that too. However no offence Cap but you're no genius, he didn't want me to be either. He wanted me to be strong and brave and patriotic. Ironic how I turned out the exact opposite."

Thor boomed "Son of Stark, you are one of the bravest warriors I have had the good fortune of fighting with. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise."

Steve nodded "You're stronger than we give you credit for. You're a fighter, a soldier." He didn't miss the way Tony flinched at being called a soldier "Okay what's up with you and being called a soldier?"

"Come." He stood up and beckoned them towards the lift they were shocked when they got off and walked into Natasha and Clint's shooting ranged. He picked up a hand gun and got into stance and fired off two shots that hit the exact centre of the target, the second bullet didn't even create a new hole.

Clint looked impressed "Nice shot but I don't see what this has to do with being a soldier."

"Wait for it." He stood completely relaxed letting his stance drop and fired two more shots that hit the exact same spot, then he covered his eyes with one hand and waved his arm around to show he wasn't using the stance he was already in he fired another two shots and hit his target. He turned around and fired over his shoulder and after 8 shots there was only 1 hole on the entire target. "Cap give me your shield."

"Uum okay." He handed Tony his shield and watched as Tony flung it and it cut through the target in the exact centre cutting straight through the bullet hole with deadly precision

"My dad trained me to be a soldier. Only thing is he was never actually there so it was always some random guy." Tony finally explained "And this guy didn't care about my well being, I would have to stand there shooting until I hit the centre and then I had to hit the exact same spot repeatedly before I could leave, once I stayed up all night until my arms were shaking and my vision blurred and I had to go to school without sleeping."

Clint frowned "Tony your dad died when you were 17 right?"

"yeah."

"But it takes years of training to get an aim that good, I can only aim that well with my bow. I'm not as capable with a gun and I'm a SHIELD agent. How old were you when you started?"

Tony stared at him blankly for a while "uuum..." He frowned, stuggling to recall the memory "uuum..." He raised his hand to his chin and stroked hi goatee "I guess I was like 6 maybe 7 seeing as I don't actually remember when I started." The others stared at him in shock and Tony for once didn't like the attention he laughed awkwardly "So Thor how did Loki manage to get into my head and not someone elses?"

"I do not know man of Iron."

JARVIS interrupted the non-existent convocation "if I may, I have a suggestion."

"Hit me J." Tony said

"During The Battle of Manhattan, Sir faced Loki without his armour-"

"You did WHAT!?" yelled Bruce

"Dr Banner, Sir's suit was not prepared for battle it was highly damaged it was unfortunately the safer option."

"That was the safer option?" Natasha raised an eyebrow "I'd hate to see what the more dangerous option was."

Jarvis picked up his theory "Anyway Sir was talking to Loki and the Arc Reactor was tapped by the glow stick of destiny." There was a pause "Sir?"

"Yeah JARVIS?"

"Did you programme out my ability to say Loki and sceptre together so I would have to call it the glow stick of destiny?"

"I did, it took longer than I expected for you to realise that."

Clint's shoulders tensed "Loki used the sceptre on you?"

"He tried. My arc blocked it; it appears in needs contact with skin or something." Tony shrugged

Natasha looked angry "And you didn't think you would mention this!?"

"What use would it have done?" Tony reasoned

Thor answered "If you had told me sooner I may have been able to get rid of any traces of Loki from your metal heart, in order to prevent Loki from accessing your mind."

There was silence for a second and then Tony huffed "Of course you could have."

"Hey Tony," asked Clint genuinely curious "Besides the fact that you're an insufferable asshole-"

"Hey!" protested Tony offended

"-You're not that bad how comes Pepper, Rhodey and Happy were your only friends?"

Tony adopted a serious expression "I learnt an important lesson at a young age: trust no one, you can only count on yourself. Of course I'm only human I couldn't keep that rule, enter Pepper, Rhodey and Happy and I guess... you guys."

They all smiled at him and Natasha asked "Even me?"

"To be honest I always knew there was something dodgy about you, after the multiple background checks were sorta sketchy. SHIELD needs to work on their fake ID's. But yeah Nat, even you."

**A/N: I thing this is a sweet place to end it, team bonding and all that.**

**So it feels like forever since I updated but I keep getting distracted with other ideas like I have this one called 'uuum yeah I'm a mutant' and basically Tony is actually a mutant and was one of the first students and trained alongside Jean, Scott and Storm but because he was a Stark and Howard was no. 1 mutant hater he kept it a secret. But then he loses control of his powers and seeks Professor X's help and it's revealed he is actually the most powerful mutant That Xavier's ever met. Even more powerful then the Professor himself.**

**And I got another one called kidnapped but it's sorta crappy right now. I need a Beta for this check the Author's note at the top for details. Just PM me if you want to Beta it.**

**Got another one called Psych evaluation basically the team get a therapist to make sure they're not crazy and it's revealed that Stark is pretty insane.**

**And Another call 'I just want to know you better' Which is when The avengers read Fanfics about Tony's childhood and about how Howard abused/neglected him but not only that but someone put them on the internet on and everyone's read them.**

**And another one called Tap tap tap which is about Tony's alcoholism.**


	7. Admiring The View?

**A/N: The format is different this chapter. I won't make it a habit I just liked it better this way cutting from perspective to perspective. BTW what Pepper sees is basically what everyone on the ground is seeing including everyone watching the News broadcast. So I did a little digging and I found out Christine Everhart (Reporter in Iron Man and Iron Man 2) In the comics she's from the daily Bugle (Like most Marvel reporters) But for obvious reasons (Daily Bugle and Spider-Man belong to Sony) They had to change it in the movies.**

**TONY POV 3****rd**** PERSON**

After staying up late and talking the team had fallen asleep on the couch. For once Tony was the first to wake but instead of getting some coffee to fuel him for the rest of the day or talking to JARVIS or stumbling to the lab to get some science done he stared blankly at the wall in front of him with the numbest, lifeless expression that had ever graced his face. Slowly he untangled himself from in between Captain America and Bruce, ignoring the protest from his joints (That's what happens when a super soldier sleeps on you) and made his way to the elevator and pressed the button for the roof. JARVIS asked confused (If a machine _could _be confused) "Sir, what are you doing?" Tony didn't go to the roof a lot, why would he when he had windows on every level overlooking the whole of Manhattan, he may be reckless but he's not stupid.

Slowly he walked across the roof and stood on the edge, leaning dangerously forward so that he could see the ants below him that called themselves people. A hard wind blew and he teetered slightly almost falling off but some invisible force or maybe just dumb luck kept him on the smooth surface, he realised how precariously he was balanced and even though his brain was screaming at him to take a step back or even get off the roof completely his body wasn't complying. He heard a shriek and saw the glint of cameras catching in the sunlight as they faced towards him, he was Tony stark he liked an audience. He stared, not knowing how he felt about all this or even why he was there, something had just compelled him to get up and stand hazardously close to the edge, now he was there he wanted to leave but his body stood frozen. 

**PEPPER POV 3****rd**** PERSON**  
Pepper was returning from a meeting with Happy and she screamed when she saw Tony. Several cameras pointed at her and Metro news was already broadcasting live. Pepper yelled "Oh my God! Tony!" Every single camera and pedestrian had swivelled to face in the direction Pepper was looking and gasped when they saw Tony Stark standing on the edge of a 90 story building.

"This just in Tony Stark is standing on the edge of Stark Tower, is he thinking of jumping or simply admiring the view? Judging from CEO Ms Pepper Potts reaction I would say the former rather than the latter. Mr Stark was recently possessed by a world dominating Norse god so maybe that's the reason behind Mr Stark's spell of madness. More on this story as it develops. Now back to Claire at the office with more news on Hilary Clinton running for president." 

**PEPPER POV 3rd PERSON**  
Pepper was frantically searching through her purse until she found her phone, she rung Natasha knowing she'd be the first to pick up.  
_One ring  
Two ring  
_"Hello? Pepper what-"

"Tony's on the roof."

"WHAT!? Oh my God! I'm on it!" she heard the muffled sound of her waking up the Avengers and then a thump as the phone was dropped then it cut off abruptly. 

**NATASHA POV 3rd PERSON**  
_Riiiing  
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing  
_"Uuuuuug." Natasha woke up and was fully alert in seconds but her neck hurt her from sleeping on a cramped sofa filled with people. She rapidly answered her phone before whoever it was hung up. She looked at the caller ID "Hello? Pepper what-" she was cut off by Pepper's panicked voice

"Tony's on the roof!"

"WHAT!" she yelled making Clint stir "Oh my God, I'm on it!" she shook the Avengers yelling at them that Tony was on the roof and was probably about to jump, dropping her phone in the process she heard the screen crack and the beep sound that came when you hang up, she ignored it and concentrated on getting to the roof as quickly as possible.

She burst out of the French doors with Thor and Steve directly behind her and a few seconds later Clint and Bruce appeared "Tony!" they all yelled as they made a mad dash towards him but he didn't even acknowledge them. Despite having a super soldier, two agile highly-trained spies/assassins and a Norse god they weren't fast enough and Tony stepped of the roof and started his descend towards the cold hard ground. **(Who else thought of Taylor Swift's Trouble)**

**TONY POV 3rd PERSON**

Tony stared down at the city, at the car's and the people moving around like tiny ants in an ant hill. He should be ruling those ants, he should be squashing them under his boot. Well not him personally more Loki than him. Tony didn't want to do any if that, if anything he wanted to do the exact opposite.

He heard the Avengers burst out of the door behind him screaming at him. They were worried he didn't want them to worry but he couldn't tear his eyes from the streets below him. Was that Pepper? It was hard to tell, she looked so tiny but if it was Pepper than that guy next to her must be Happy. If he jumped like his mind was telling him to do she would see his body splattered on the floor, he couldn't do that to her. But despite his train of thought he was already stepping off the building and plunging towards the ground. As soon as he had stepped off the building he got his sense back and realised exactly what was happening. He felt the wind in his hair and starting screaming and flailing around like a crazy person the ground rushing towards him. It was Pepper. He decided now that he was closer. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  
Suddenly he felt a strong arm around him and he stopped falling, that didn't stop him fron screaming though. He screamed and screamed and screamed. 

**PEPPER POV 3rd PERSON**  
Pepper watched in horror as Tony stepped off the building and started plummeting towards the Earth. She saw him start to flail and heard him scream. he was looking directly at her. She had tears in her eyes but then suddenly Clint jumped off after him and he was shooting a rope arrow to the top of the tower. He grabbed Tony with his free hand and held on tight. Tony continued to scream his heart-wrenching, bone-chilling, blood-curdling scream. 

**CLINT POV 3rd PERSON**  
Oh no. They were too late Tony had jumped off already. He set his face, it was never to late to save a friend. He leapt off the building ignoring the other Avengers sounds of concern and fired a grappling arrow back at the tower he felt it latch on to something and spun around mid-air twisting into a noise dive and catching up with the flailing Stark. He wrapped an arm around his waist and held them both steady as the decent came to a jerky stop. Stark continued to scream, maybe it was Loki, maybe he was just that scared of what he had almost done who knows. He doubted even Tony knew why he was screaming right now. "Tony, you can stop screaming now."

Slowly Tony's screams faded away and he lay limp in his arm staring wide eyed at the ground as he felt the others pulling them upwards "Did I just jump off a building?"

"You did. Did you know what you wete doing? Do you remember?"

"I did but it was like a dream. I only became lucid when I started falling." he shuddered "I am never commiting suicide ever again. That stuff is scary as hell."

"glad to see you're not a grease splat on the pavement-oow!" his head bumped on the ledge of a window "HEY WATCH IT UP THERE!"

"SORRY!" Steve yelled back 

**STEVE POV 3rd PERSON**  
Clint just jumped. Off a building. "Clint just jumped off a building." Steve stared at Clint as he dropped

Natasha shrugged nonchalantly "Don't worry Spangles, he's got this. You're not the only man with a plan ya'know."

Under different circumstances Steve would have rolled his eyes, maybe even laughed but he was too tense and worried for his team mates. He was relieved to see Hawkeye shook a grappling arrow and grab Tony. "Thor help me get them back up here." the two muscly blonds grabbed some rope and started slowly pulling them upward.

They heard a thump and Clint yelled up at them "HEY WATCH IT UP THERE!"

Steve cringed in sympathy "SORRY!" He yelled back genuinely meaning it. 

**A/N: Question of the Day: Do you guys actually read my Author's Notes?**

**Age Of Ultron UK Time: 8 Days *Shrieks super duper loudly and jumps up and down* *Starts planning cinema trip with friends about a month ago* *Talks about Marvel all the time* *Says random comic trivia I know from researching for fanfics and from Marvel fact accounts on Instagram* *Hates that no one at skl seems to care about the Avengers***

**Expect some sort of AoU Fanfic or short story/One shot in my fic Avengers Shorts and One Shots.**

**Word of the Day: perfidious-I believe it means deceitful or untrustworthy**

_*****AGENTS OF SHIELD SPOILERS*****_

**I can't believe Riana can tell the future! And Skye can move a mountain! And Fitz is just brilliant I love him so much.**


	8. Some Sort of Weird Luck

**A/N: Okay guys imagine this. It's set after Age of Ultron but Iron Man 3 and Captain America Winter Soldier don't exist. And by don't exist I just mean SHIELD never fell. Steve still knows Sam but Fury never "Died". Also Thor: the Dark World has just happened so Thor is on world and will be appearing soon. Don't ask me why the avengers didn't help him defeat the Dark elves because I don't know they just don't.**

"Tony this is absolutely ridiculous! I understand that it's hard to talk about this stuff but we're your friends, you can trust us."

"I do trust you! I just... I'm not good at this stuff."

Pepper stood next to Steve, brow crinkled in worry "Tony this time Loki makes you jump off a building, next time you overdose on drugs or you finally drink yourself to death, the time after that a knife wound to the upper body, a gunshot to the head, a repulsor beam to basically any part of you. He could kill you in a number of ways and what if no one's there to stop you. I don't want to lose you Tony and neither do the Avengers."

Tony sighed and slumped to the ground. He could talk about stuff without getting flashbacks right? He'd never tried. He knew every bump, every twist in the road, Afghanistan, his father, the Battle of New York, everything, it stuck with him. Stayed at the back of his head deciding all his actions and keeping him together, motivating him to do better and to never fail, but those memories were also the reasons he was falling apart in the first place. He'd never spoken about them out loud and he was starting to wonder if he could. _'You never know until you try Tony. Sometimes you gotta run before you can walk.' _"I... Um I mean well..." he sighed exasperated at his sudden lack of words. He could have whole conversations with people he lived with everyday and say absolutely nothing except bull crap and sarcastic quips, he was great at word play, but now that he needed actual words with actual meaning he couldn't even muster a sentence _'Come on Stark you can do this' _He swallowed deeply and took a deep breath trying to drown the butterflies in his stomach he opened his mouth to spill his heart out although he still wasn't sure what he was going to say when suddenly he heard something

_And what do you say to your other nickname, the Merchant of Death? _

Was that Christine Everhart? What was going on? Tony looked around confused

_Well, Ms. Brown. It's an imperfect world, but it's the only one we got. I guarantee you the day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I'll start making bricks and beams for baby hospitals._

Okay how did the Avengers not hear that. It was some sort of recording of the time he spoke to the reporter from Vanity Fairs, why was no one else looking confused "Do you hear that?"

Steve strained his already super enhanced ears "Hear what?"

_My old man had a philosophy: peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.  
That's a great line, coming from a guy selling the sticks._

"There it was again! Soooo I... guess that means it's in my head."

"Uuuum. Tony why do you sound so calm about noises in your head?" asked Pepper concerned for her boyfriend's mental health

"Firstly it's more voices then noises and secondly I am freaking out but on the inside."

_Have you ever lost an hour of sleep in your life?  
I'd be prepared to lose a few with you._

Why was his conversation with Christine the only thing in his head? He had had lots of interviews with lots of woman who he ended up sleeping with, why was Loki out of all of them showing him this?

_My father helped defeat Nazis. He worked on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people, including your professors at Brown, would call that being a hero. _

_And a lot of people would also call that war-profiteering._

He growled angrily... out loud and the Avengers all stared at him concerned completely unsure what to do. He registered them sending each other panicked glances and a hand on his shoulder trying to calm him down but then the short snippets of conversation turned into loud party music, cheering crowds, the boom of a bomb detonating over and over again, The Ten Rings screaming at him in Mandarin, a crazy god of lies laughing manically, an alien invasion, a robot apocalypse and at the same time his head was filling with this terrible overwhelming noise there was also a silence. The deafening silence of space, and not just any random place in the Milky Way, Tony was through the wormhole floating silently alone with just his thoughts and a nuke as he prepared to die and all at once that silence was shattered by a deafening eruption of the nuke and his head didn't just buzz with sound, it didn't just whisper, it yelled, it screamed with noise filling his head and causing him to inadvertently cover his ears and cower on the floor. And between all of this noise he still caught snippets of conversations long forgotten

_I never said you were a superhero._ Everhart again

_I'm just not the hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public._ These words had been uttered by none other than himself

_I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them._

_I'm sorry. This is the fun-vee. The hum-drum-vee is back there._

_So you're a man who has everything... and nothing. _Yinsen... After all this time he could never forget all the stuff he said to him

_Don't waste your life _

But what if he had tried to change too late? What if he hadn't changed at all and he was fooling himself and everyone else. Ultron had seen him for what he was

_How could you be worthy? You're all killers._ Those were the first words Tony had ever heard him say.  
_Don't compare me with Stark! He's a sickness!_

How evil he must be for a heartless robot bent on destroying humanity to call _him_ a sickness. Infecting others giving them a disease. It wasn't fatal, but slowly, slowly, he would tap away at their piece of mind and their sanity until they finally crack and become as crazy as Stark and they just don't care. About anything! Not about their lives, not about how people would feel if they were gone, if they were dead. Especially if they were the cause of their own death.

'_Pull yourself together Stark'_ Tony yelled at himself inside his head '_You can fight this, you're stronger than Loki'_

Tony curled up into the foetal position and tried to calm down rocking back and forth with his eyes screwed shut until the noises and the voices finally faded back into a small buzzing, a minor annoyance in the back of his head, he wondered briefly if this was how Bruce felt every second of every day before dismissing the thought. He breathed deeply, in through his mouth, out through his nose ect until finally still curled up on the floor he spoke "I thought about committing suicide a few times before."

Pepper stared at him from where she was kneeling by his head, comfortingly stroking his hair "What?" She asked almost whispering it

"And of course there was that whole Arc reactor/Natalie Rushman fiasco when I thought I was going to die and never told anyone."

This time it was Steve's turn to ask "What?"

Tony took a deep breath "A year ago Fury sent Natasha to work for me and Pepper after I made her CEO. Her cover name was Natalie Rushman and she was a damn good PA, her mission was to write an evaluation to figure out whether or not I was right for the Avengers Initiative... as it turned out I'm apparently not right at all."

Natasha cringed "For what it's worth if I was writing your report now it would have been very different from that one. I know you on a personal level now."

Tony continued explaining "Well anyway my arc reactor used to be powered by Palladium but it's not good for the human body. It was poisoning me and it only got worse the more I used my suit. I tried every compound and element nothing worked so I rewrote my will, made Pepper the official CEO and threw myself my last birthday party... which ended up with a wrecked house, a stolen suit and a huge argument with my best friend."

Bruce nodded "mmmmh Yeah I read about that party..."

"I think everyone who wasn't dead or frozen did. So basically I was approached by Nick Fury, Natasha revealed herself then she stabbed me with this thing that gave me an extra week and Fury gave me a box of my dad's old stuff. I read through it and there was a basis to a new element, Starkanium. So I created this element finishing off his research and put it in the new arc reactor. It wasn't poisonous, I lived, Pepper found out when I was talking to Natasha over a comm Link and yelled at me, I fought a crazy guy with electric whips and Justin Hammer, Rhodey helped and that's the whole story."

Pepper was still stroking his hair "Tell me about the time you tried to commit suicide."

"As I'm sure you're all aware, Rhodey was the first person I trusted. He was mu first actual friends so you can imagine how messed up I was before MIT and before Rhodey. I was depressed I... I um self harmed... quite severely actually and one day I thought '_What if I went too far? What if I just slit my wrists a bit more? What if I don't bandage it up? What if I just lie here and let myself bleed to death? Who would really care?'_ So I tried it but I seem to have some sort of weird luck were no matter what I do, whether it's my own bomb exploding in my face or a nuke on my back as I fly through a wormhole I _never _seem to die."

**A/N: I had writers block... don't judge the time it took to write this. I'm busy.**


	9. I Will Try To Fix You

**A/N: That's right! A chapter update and guess what that means for next chapter? The thing you've been waiting for Loki Laufeyson VS Tony Stark get ready for the smack down of your life! Brought to you by snarky sarcasm and witty banter!**

Pepper looked at him weirdly "Wait Tony... You didn't fly into the wormhole to commit suicide, did you?"

Tony opened his mouth to assure her that that wasn't the case but nothing came out. Had he been trying to commit suicide? "It wasn't suicide, it was sacrifice." as an afterthought he added "Something I'm apparently not good at."

Steve rubbed his neck awkwardly "Sorry about that by the way. I had no right to say that stuff to you on the helicarrier, I didn't even know you."

Pepper waved off that side of the conversation and continued with what she was saying "You don't seem too sure..."

"Pepper, it was either me or Manhattan! The chose was obvious."

"No Tony it's wasn't! Because I would choose you every single time!"

"Pepper! I need you to promise me right now that if for some reason my life would result in another person's death that you'd hand me over without hesitation. I won't let anyone else die for me."

Pepper was about to yell at him, tell him 'No way Tony, I couldn't do that Tony, I couldn't live with myself if you died!' and the 'you'd chose me over New York so why can't I choose you Tony?' but Natasha spoke first "Anyone else?"

Tony frowned "What?"

"You said you wouldn't let anyone else die for you. Who died for you originally?"

Stark looked at the floor "In Afghanistan, in the cave there was a man named Yinsen. A doctor from a small town called Gulmira."

"Gulmira? Isn't that the first place Iron Man was seen doing superhero stuff?"

"Yeah. It was. Because my weapons were being used there and they are the very things that killed his family... He never mentioned it but I have a feeling he knew. But he still saved my life, placed a magnet in my chest and hooked it up to a car battery it would only have lasted a week but it was enough time to build the Mini Arc Reactor Mark 1. Then he helped me build the first Iron Man suit, it didn't fly but it did jump a long distance, no repulser beams either just good old fashioned flame throwers. So at the last stage downloading some stuff from the outdated computer into the Mark 1 Raza and the Ten Rings realised I wasn't building a Jericho Missile-"

Clint snorted "No shit Sherlock."

"- and they came rushing in Yinsen ran outside to buy me time. He got shot and after I had burnt that camp to the ground, I found Yinsen bleeding out on the floor... He told me not to waste my life and sometimes I wonder... What if I already have?"

"Tony you have lived an amazing life! You have saved billions of lives just by existing!"

Tony sighed "but I'm also the cause of a billion deaths... As Raza called me the most famous mass murderer of all time."

"Tony you didn't know Obadiah was-"

"We don't say his name." **(Daredevil reference yay)**

"You didn't know what he was doing."

"But I should have Pepper! It was my company and it's not like it was some useless cell phone company selling phones under the table to people. It was Missiles and bombs and guns and other stuff that kills people! Don't tell me it wasn't my fault or that I didn't know because that just means that another one of my failures made it onto my ever growing list! I didn't pay attention and people died for it Pepper! That's what you don't seem to understand every time you tell me it wasn't my fault because sure I didn't kill them and I didn't sell terrorists weapons but they were my inventions, my weapons, my company and that means it's my fault."

Pepper's face flushed red with anger "How dare you say I don't understand! You seem to forget that I was right there next to you through all of it! I practically ran the company and I didn't even notice Obadiah selling weapons! You don't think I know how it feels to be at fault? I have the same blood on my hands as you do Tony, the only difference is I have the strength to deal with it."

"The only difference... Are you saying I'm weak?"

"What? No Tony I wasn't-"

"Because let me tell you! You didn't go through three months of torture in a cave where the sun doesn't rise and you can't tell if it's day or night and you don't know how much time has passed, a place where three months feels like three years and you KNOW that no one will ever find you, that you've got a car battery hooked to your chest and that's the only thing keeping you living! So don't you dare say that I don't have the strength to deal with things because even before that I had to deal with shit!"

"Tony-"

"And even before Afghanistan I was one messed up dude, I had pretty sever trust issues did you know that? I _still _have pretty sever trust issues actually! Lack of trust runs through my veins, I grew up learning not to trust people! My dad taught me that lesson although I don't think he did it intentionally! No he was just as mess up as me and I guess he passed on! Did you know my dad was a drunk? And he never ever went to any of my school things. I was a genius and I still wasn't good enough for him! They tell everyone that my parents died driving to my MIT graduation but they actually weren't! They were driving to an SI meeting! And guess he was with, Obadiah Stane but Stane lived and my parents fucking died not that it really made a difference they were already dead to me and then Stane who was closer to my father then my actual father tried to fucking kill me!" He was hysterical by now just saying things altogether in one mash of a sentence. "And not only was my dad a neglective drunken asshole but so was my freaking mom! That's right people the oh-so-sweet mother-of-the-year Maria Stark was a drunken idiot in a dress! And does anyone want to know why I don't have a lot of friends? It because I've _never_ had friends! I couldn't go to nursery or the press would rip me apart and by the time I got to elementary I was so much smarter than the other kids and they didn't like that and then they started to become aware of who my dad was they either thought I was a spoilt kid and hated me to my face or they tried to get and my good side so they could become bffs with a Stark and hated me behind my back so I just didn't hang out with either and then came the grade skipping! Do you know how hard it is to be several years younger than everyone in your class? To be a genius but have absolutely no idea what they were talking about? Did you know Rhodey was my first friend? First year of MIT he was my roommate and I _still _don't trust him completely!" He gestured at himself "And just look at me now I'm having some sort of mental breakdown or maybe I already had it I don't even know!" He looked up at the ceiling trying to look at Loki which he knew was impossible due to the fact that he was inside his head but he tried anyway "Is this what you wanted Loki? Me, ranting hysterically while the Avengers look on confused and concerned? Me spilling my guts in the most painful way you could think of? Well guess what Loki I've done my part now I've told everyone all my dirty little secrets and now I'm coming for you! I don't care if I have to crack open my skull to get in there but I will find a way into my own head and I swear to all the gods I will kill you! Do you hear me Loki? I will fucking kill you! You are dead Loki! DEAD!" He stood panting as everyone stared at him, his almost heart-breaking rant finally over. The Avengers weren't sure if Tony had actually snapped or if it was just Loki but they didn't know what to do. Pepper stepped forward and hugged him softly stroking his hair and the Avengers decided it would probably be best to leave and give them some privacy.

"Tony." She whispered in his ear "Why did you never tell me?"

"Trust issues remember." He whispered back hot tears running down his face

"Even me? But I've known you for 14 years now, we've been together for 3 ½."

"And everyday I think you're gonna pack up and leave me."

She hugged him tighter "Oh Tony..." He eyes started to water as she thought about how much pain Tony had been in his whole life since the moment he was born, she understood his suicidal tendencies and lack of self preservation of course that didn't make her feel any better about it in fact it made her feel worse _'Don't cry Potts, you need to be strong for him. Just this once he needs someone to be strong for him.' _"I'm sorry Tony, I'm so, so sorry I never notice."

"How could you notice when I was like this from the day we met. To you _this _was my default; you'd never seen me any other way."

She melted into him, their bodies fitting perfectly together as, his shattered self fitted perfectly around Pepper's perfect circle of a soul making her more complete then she had been but also unnecessary. I mean when you have a perfect circle why add more to the outside and ruin the shape? For now Pepper decided to forget that, she _wasn't_ perfect no matter how hard she tried she had her flaws and she had her doubts but she was sure of one thing she loved Tony Stark and with that thought in mind she whispered softly "I will try to fix you."

**A/N: Btw the song Fix You was stuck in my head that's why that last line made it into the story. It definitely wouldn't have had I not been humming it.**


End file.
